Kintsugi “Yemisi, are you still an introvert?” asked an old friend whom I recently reconnected with after 29 years.
That question made me realize how much of ourselves we do not know until the mirrors of Life enlighten us.
It was surprising to realize that, that side of me was very apparent even that long ago. But, it is what it is. I have spent the last 8 years accepting this in addition to other self-realization truths that I otherwise had rejected. I accepted the truth of being a type of introvert after checking the indication list and seeing that I tick a lot of boxes on the list, chief of which are:
- Prefer to write rather than talk.
- Feel comfortable being alone.
- Take time making decisions.
- Very reflective.
- Feel drained after being in a crowd.
- Have few friendships but I am very close with these friends.
- Retreat into their mind to rest.
Among all the above indications, it is on the sixth personality trait that I write today.
So, you are reading this now, and perhaps you can tell already that my circle of friendship is small and tight due to my introverted nature. That is correct. Besides the “what”, the other things you may not know are the “who”, “how”, “when”, and “where” of it all.
I have always considered myself blessed in the friendships I have cultivated especially in recent times of navigating through a lot of troubled waters. When I hear people say they do not have help and have managed to survive by their own efforts, it makes me appreciate the friendships that I am blessed with.
"However, on the journey to fulfillment, on the road
to success, I have come to know that being broken
is unavoidable."
Beauty of Brokenness
When you are identified with a certain type of energy and strength, the last thing you want to be is weak, broken, or helpless. What you want to be is perfect and all you want others to see is excellence.
However, on the journey to fulfillment, on the road to success, I have come to know that being broken is unavoidable.
Maybe you, my reader, know this already. If you did, then you are well and truly blessed, but for those of us who do not know or who are just getting to know, it is a different story – I struggled and still struggle with acceptance of this essential ingredient of success.
What is brokenness?
From what I have gathered on this important subject, the telltale signs are:
- Feelings of emptiness (lethargy).
- Feeling like all hope is lost (despair).
-
Feeling like you are in the last round of fighting and just when you cannot take anymore, you receive a surprise uppercut.
While you are lying down there thinking to yourself: I am a great fighter; I will get back up and fight, then bell rings.
It's a Knockout!
You collapse wondering if you could ever get up again, sad and embarrassed about all who bought tickets with their precious money and spared time to cheer you on to victory.
Rather than victory, you failed, you were beaten, broken flat down on your face. - Perhaps, the most of it all is that no one knows how best to deal with you. They are either too careful or careless; you feel like a raw wound, even water hurts.
I have been there with scars to show but still with wounds to heal; I can say that the experience has healed me of the fear for it. But most importantly, it has opened my eyes to the beauty of brokenness. There cannot be beauty in brokenness if there was no brokenness in the first place.
In order to experience the beauty of it, you have to be broken first. That is the first step, acceptance and embracing it. My healing started when I embraced my brokenness. It was then that I started seeing the fruits of love from those that surrounds me.
I used to be one who would never speak about their struggle. For one, it took me about 7 years to openly acknowledge that my marriage had failed. It was not for fear of judgement (that never really bothers me) but more of fear from accepting failure.
Your biggest enemy is self-image – that's the one which prevents you from seeking help from the right people because you hate to be seen in a certain way.
Mending Broken Pieces
Brokenness can be all sorts of things: Failing an examination, depression, marital problems, parenting problems, drugs, alcoholism, anger, sexual disorder, suicidal thoughts, weight issues, etc. are all common examples.
When you are in this state, your biggest enemy is self-image – that's the one which prevents you from seeking help from the right people because you hate to be seen in a certain way. However, speaking up to the right ears is one of the routes to mending.
Mending can be achieved in a number of ways. Mine has been primarily through good family and friends.
Today's post cannot fully express the gift I have in Family and Friends, but for the purpose of this particular piece, I dwell on an occassion of note.
May 8, 2021
Earlier on in the day, I got a call to inform me of delivery plans of a birthday cake to me, a gift from old friends from my secondary school. It was gladdening to receive the gift but I was at the same time thinking how strange it was that I was still receiving a birthday cake two days after my 45th birthday, little did I know that the biggest surprise of all was yet to hit home. About 7 p.m. that same day, two of my longtime paddy here in France came knocking.
“Auntie Yemo, s’e wa n le?” (Auntie Yemo, are you at home?)
To which I answered, “Yes, what’s up?”
“We’re at the door. Please come open.” I thought it was weird. Why? We already saw earlier the same day and there had been no mention of a visit.
I hurried downstairs to open up and was quick to ask what they were doing in the neighbourhood. She said they had attempted to return some goods bought online which they no longer needed. Unfortunately, the return (goods deposit) centers were closed and so they were saddled with having to go return again but thought to branch at mine to collect their cake.
“Cake kęę?”
The person asking for a piece of cake is a master baker among other competencies like being an Engineer and working in telecommunications, so I wondered what was so special about my cake. Anyway, I brushed off the thought because, having become more like family over the years, we need no special reason(s) to visit one another. Just right after, the unexpected happened...
Her Fiance, who had not said much all along, just ceremoniously handed me a gift box. I thought in my mind, “Haven’t there been enough gifts?” You see, before today, we've had a party and I'd had gifts, also the day after, so, this being the 3rd day after... I couldn't help but wonder. But then I thought maybe it's my family back at home that got through to them to do this... Anyway, the look on their faces urged me to open the carefully wrapped gift...
I obeyed.
I opened the package and I screamed.
Tears welled up in my eyes, tears of gratitude.
I fought them back and looked up with a somber smile.
I was speechless.
I recall saying some
prayers, even cracking a few jokes, but I was numb.
What these friends just did was beyond a surprise, but surprised I was; more surprised than I
have ever been.
You see, I am not called King of Surprises for no reason. I can surprise for Africa!(Story for another day) But no one’s efforts at surprising me have ever succeeded like this one.
"If you must have friends, get the ones that listen, and that you can listen to."
This effort to surprise me succeeded because among all reasons I have a community that listens. They know I needed this gift – a laptop – as much as I needed a permanent job and an accommodation.
They checked the list and chose the topmost item they could handle. They are not friends that ask you to come for a drink or a buffet but ignore your most hurtful pains. They are not in the bracket of those asking to pay for your flight ticket to Hawaii for sinful pleasures but unwilling to drop a dime either as part of the cash they are willing to spend on wrongful intentions or a two-cent worth of advice to help your growth.
If you're someone like me I am one who rarely asks for help and who hardly ever entertain any sense of entitlement to what belongs to others but much prefers to be the one helping and encouraging others, you will agree with me that for such personalities as we are, being broken is an extremely difficult phase to pass through.
In my own case however, the hurt of being broken has been replaced by gratitude especially because the mending process is enabled by the best material possible.
Kintsugi
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. It is built on the idea that, in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.
My friends turned family, are like that gold; the powdered gold, helping in mending these broken pieces and thereby creating a more beautiful vessel in the process. The laptop is beyond an item for me. It is love, thoughtfulness, efforts, sacrifice, and symbolic giving to me.
You see, for the most part, our friendship has enabled us to be there for one another, a support system ranging from consulting to counseling, dealing with several issues ranging from academics to housing, including police issues (I was scammed once here in "the abroad" - Story for another day, lol).
They have been there, ever so supportive. But they did not say: “We've done so much already, Let’s just wine and dine on her birthday and go flush it down the toilet later”, rather they chose to do more.
By their actions, we see Kintsugi in practice. Through them, I can talk to you, my reader, about the beauty of brokenness. I hope that by what you have read now, you too will – in the way you can - be either the gold or yield yourself to the work of the gold. Through both, beauty is created.
For a memorable occasion that spanned three days including a surprise birthday party and a surprise that truly worked, this piece is for you guys.
Without mentioning your names, I know you but God knows you more, and concerning all you are looking up to God for, God will arrive early to sort you out.
Oju o ni t’iyin, Amin.
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